It was during the third grade in P.S. 6 West Farms, in the Bronx of New York, where my younger soul (animating physical body) was in the middle of an art class assignment: The class was asked to use three shades of the same color (mine was brown, for whatever reason it was), and mix them on a big wide thick sheet of paper, and just move our hands over it in a swirling manner. We were dressed in entire white plastic aprons with arm coverings too, and getting our hands dirty with the paint (it wasn’t lead based paint, and it was very easy to wash with soap and water, according to what the teacher said). As we swirl our hands on the paper, we were to try to make out something out of the whole mess. The teacher, surname in this article as Mrs. Schrieffer (matured looking, and a bit heavy in weight), told us that the assignment was to help us discover our aesthetic capacities (she used the term creative instead). As my hands were mixing and spreading the paints on the paper, before my being knew what was going to happen, all of a sudden my mind went a blank (became mindless/unaware). And my guess as to whatever happened to my brain afterwards, is that it kept on functioning, something similar to the brains of the animal species, that functions as a mindless brain (without awareness). Perhaps my brain continued to automatically simulate a seemingly aware person, animating my ‘body’ as an actual zombie state of mind (not, however, like the zombies of Hollywood science fiction films). The consciousness (the part that instinctively produces and actuates automaton thoughts in the cerebral organ) remained capacitated, but the sentient aspect (the-Mind) of awareness was in a mental state of slumber (like a mental sleepy death state). Since my mind was mindless during a very long extended span (years in Gregorian time), my being has no other rational and logical explanation of what may have occurred afterwards since my mother and siblings did informed that my body kept on going as usual (no coma whatsoever), and that they didn’t notice a thing; except, that my ‘body’ kept on making endless repetitive choices: Going in circles, depending on what the external social settings were (i.e., if my zombie state body would hangout with Catholics, it would become a Catholic: and if a week later, it hanged out with Jehovah’s Witnesses, it would immediately abandon Catholicism and study to become a Jehovah’s Witness: and if two weeks later, it hung out with worshipers of the Latin Santeria occult, it would immediately abandon Jehovah’s Witness’s studies and become a sorcerer, that use to help, guide and aid people with tarot cards, crystals, tea leaves and coffee residue readings; and, with the casting of spells; etc., etc., etc.: Without end; in full repetitive spiral circles).
However my brain may have continued in the absence of my awareness, all that my being knows is that when my soul has reached the age of forty, my mind began to become aware again, gradually: and before IT knew it, there was my sentience again, resurrected from a mental sleeping death, and my whole insides felt as though it was somehow rising up, endlessly. And when mine eyes finally looked at the mirror, my mind noticed that my face got older, that my soul was bigger, and my hands aged: and my mind couldn’t immediately handle the animation of my soul well: It took a while before the animating capacities of my hands, fingers, feet, toes, legs, arms, and everything else, would’ve been fully controlled by the volition distinct capacity of my mind: it was as though learning how to control my physical animating soul anew: And everything in the strange apartment that my mind was resurrected in, was simultaneously all on (like the lights, the TV, and the lit candles that seemed dedicated to a life-sized statue of a Saint Barbara, and to a host of other small statues and pictures of Egyptian, Greece and Roman gods: And the computer and monitor too were fully on, with the name “Sabiazoth” written in the middle of the desktop wallpaper; and it had the eye of Horus/Osiris above that name as well, emanating seemingly descending thinned line-rays that spread wide on that name from the eye: hence, that is where the name “Sabiazoth” was taken from, because that was the very first word that mine mindful eyes saw upon the mental resurrection of my mind: It was as though that name was prepared in advance for the arrival of my mind’s resurrection). And everything else that has occurred between the third grade to the age of 40, was never experienced with my mind’s presence. All that my being could do is totally trust in what my family had said, about what had happened within that long extended mindless (unaware) span of mine. For almost forty Gregorian years, my mind was mindless, but my brain continued actuating as a mindless brain; functioning as an undetected zombie like state, while still automatically simulating a sentient person: And that it itself will probably never return even if my brain was to become mindless again, because whatever or whoever it was functioning my soul in mine absence, was only a simulation (i.e., assuming true that the-World’s understanding of “consciousness” is one in the same as sentience, my mindless brain has produced a “simulated consciousness” in the absence of my “actual consciousness”). This is not at all impossible, because even with animals, millions of people imagine that their pets too are persons that are aware (even some zoologists and scientists believe that certain animals are sentient just like humans are; e.g., with monkeys, apes, elephants, dolphins, whales, etc.). So how much easier can it also then be done with a human, whose brain has become mindless just like the animals? Many people who my being meets up with, from span to span, wonder and become curious about my mental condition; that they eventually, always wind up asking what would’ve caused my mindful brain to become a mindless brain for so many years?
An Injurious Household
As a child, my mother use to send my being, with my other two siblings, to be babysit by my aunt from my father side; along with her three daughters, one older son, and one toddler son. On and off, for many years, my aunt would babysit us while my mother went to work: My aunt was a very tough person with a very aggressive disposition, and she was heavy in weight; a Puerto Rican woman, who has been excommunicated from her faith. And she had some very nasty three daughters, and they were taking bible studies to dedicate themselves to their mother’s same faith. My aunt, in whom my being will surname her in this article as Victoria, was mean, bitter, angry, without a single sense of peace; and she was also prejudice against Dominicans: She hated the fact that her brother (my father who was a Puerto Rican male) fell in love with my mother (who is from the Dominican Republic): She made sure that she vent-out that hatred and anger upon my being, and my brothers, when my mother would leave, after dropping us off. Victoria, married but separated, always fought with her other lover, who was a tall and slim Indian Puerto Rican looking male, with slick black shiny straight hair, mostly always gelled up: That on some many occasions, she would get on top of him, pinning him to the floor, slapping and punching him on his face, and threatening to bash his head in with an iron. He could not have done anything but just laid there underneath her, as though immobilized; because he knew that if he would had fought back in self-defense, her three daughters would make sure that they would join in to beat him up, for they were standing by just in case. It was a mad house.
Victoria’s three nasty pretty daughters were just as mean and conniving as their mother. They always weren’t present when my mother would drop us off early in the morning, for they would only be around after high school hours; an imminent time that my being was always immensely dreading: for when they’ve returned home, the already bad situation that existed with Victoria would only get badder (from bad to worse). Her three daughters, starting from the eldest to the youngest, are surname in this article as Ethel, Nita and Thelma: They too were very mean, always exasperated and irritated, and that’s also probably due to Victoria’s excessive strict rules with them, making sure that they wouldn’t date males: and if any of them disobeyed a single rule or order from her, they would’ve been severely chastised, with screams of madwomen. Everyone feared Victoria: even her friends, siblings and her neighbors knew not to mess with her. Her other two sons, in which they’ll remain as nameless in this article, were not much of a bother: her older son never got involve in abusing us.
So much abuses were done, both physically and mentally, that all of them can’t be listed in this article; so to make a long story short, let’s just say that my being got the worst abuse than my other two brothers: Simply because, unlike them, my demeanor and disposition then had feminine behavior and mannerism. It came to a point that just by standing, sitting, walking, talking, drawing and playing with toys, Victoria would beat the force out of my ‘body,’ all along, while making sure that my legs and arms were fully clothed in order not to leave any evidence of physical bruises behind, for my mother. She would beat and strike with a belt, and on many occasions, with a detached electrical wire; striking after every single word of every single sentences: All along while screaming, “Dios odia los patos!” (God hates faggots!). In Victoria’s and her daughters own perceptions of my ‘body’s’ demeanor (again with my walking, sitting, standing, talking and playing), was always deemed as a ‘pato’ (‘faggot’) in their twisted minds. Of course my mind couldn’t understand what they meant by that, because as a child, my being didn’t know what they were all trying to accuse IT of: Nevertheless, they’ve always threatened that if my being would’ve said anything to my mother about their abuses, they would do worse to IT upon my return. And of course, as a child, my fears kept my mouth in silence; except, for one morning, while my mother was getting prepared for work, putting on her makeup before her bedroom mirror, IT asked her, “Mom, what’s a pato?” She said, “A pato means a duck.” And then she asked why the question, but my being nodded, and said, “Nothing; was just wondering what it meant.” She then smiled, and kissed my forehead. During our walking in that same morning to Victoria’s apartment, my being was crying inside from the confusion, because Victoria and her daughters never explained specifically why they used the term “pato” against my being. Somehow, in their sick minds, they probably automatically thought that such a term was known in my head. When we finally arrived at Victoria’s apartment, my being ran in her bathroom, making it look like IT had to use it immediately to urinate: and inside there, IT kept silently crying in tears, looking up towards the ceiling while silently asking God repetitively, “Why God?…Why do you hate my person because of a duck?…Why?”
As the extreme abuses continued, on some occasions, when my being would’ve escaped, IT use to run out through Victoria’s fire escape window, and run right into the next door apartment’s fire escape window for protection, which was the residence of my great-grandmother of my mother side (she use to live right next door to Victoria), and she use to make sure that my being stayed with her for the rest of the day until my mother would return from work and pick us up (nevertheless, my being still feared too much to tell her about all of the abuses even though, IT itself felt safe and protected with her). Victoria use to blaze with anger, and would send one of her daughters to retrieve my person back to her, but my great-grandmother would adamantly respond to them in Spanish, “No, he’ll stay with me until my daughter returns: I’m his grandmother; and you can’t tell me what to do with my grandson.” Eventually, Victoria made sure that from now on, her fire escape window was gated and locked (even if she her-self didn’t like the feeling of being gated in her own apartment); as a result, my being couldn’t escape from the abuse any longer. It has even come to the point where the fear was so great that my being use to just physically sit on Victoria’s living room sofa, and not move a muscle at all (not even a single flinch), for fear that any small movement might trigger them to beat my ‘body’ to the floor. As a matter of fact, my being even made sure that no thoughts whatsoever actuated in my mind, for fear that Victoria would’ve seen inside it, and seen a thought that she may not have liked, and beaten my ‘body’ because of it; for she use to give a look like she could’ve read secrets of the-Mind, for her eyes were very dark brown, and very piercing looking. Everything then became like a stand still for my being, both physically and mentally; and yet, even without moving a muscle or saying a word from my part, they would still find reasons to beat my ‘body’ down. It’s to no wonder that eventually, it was imminent that my mind was going to shut down soon, to protect itself from the abuses.
It is important that you (the reader) come to know that the first half/quarter duration of all of the abuses that has occurred (during my mindful state of awareness), my mind was not allowed to associate with anything or anyone to begin with: It wasn’t even allowed to reflect and to develop the mental actuation of ‘The-Self’ (the-Ego/the “I”): There were even languages that my mind has never came to relate to either, nor to relate to anything or anyone at all; not even to relate with the concept of relation itself either. Even concepts of the figurative heart (emotions) were abusively halted from actuating inside my mind: And also mental conscionable concepts (such as virtues, ethics, principles and morals. were also halted before the mindless state of my brain occurred). Furthermore, knowledge that are subjective, abstracted, biased and idiosyncratic connotative were denied to be in-formed inside my mind with such in-formations). The early mindful duration part of all of the abuses that has happened, has kept my mind mentally formless and shapeless, in “tabula-rasa” (a “blank-slate,” in Latin): entirely amorphous. And as indicated before, when my being began attending the third grade class, the teacher too was no help either. She looked, behaved and sounded just like my aunt Victoria, but as a Jewish version of her; for that teacher also appeared mean, irritable and exasperated. There were even some many occasions where my mind was almost going under as the teacher was teaching something on the classroom’s blackboard: She would all of a sudden take notice of my facial mindless wondering expression, stop what she was teaching before the entire class, walk over to where my ‘body’ was sitting, and would then grab my arm very aggressively, shaking my ‘body’ very roughly and vehemently, while loudly saying, “Is there anyone there!?..Are you cuckoo!?…Wake up, you stupid child!!” It was seeming as though Victoria was now everywhere, and even inside mine third grade class! There was no escape from her! Eventually, my mental blackout has occurred during a classroom assignment, as indicated in the first paragraph of this article; that finally, my mind has then shut itself down to protect itself from the imminent insanity that would’ve occurred: That is, from and by the-Mind itself.
That is why, when my mind was resurrected into mindfulness (awareness) again, the last very full state that it itself was in (before it became mindless), was the same very full state upon its return through its mental resurrection, verily. That is why no other two human mindless brains, that become resurrected into mindful brains again, will be the same. No matter how long a human’s brain remains mindless, and no matter what the brain has automatically absorbed in knowledge and skills during its absence of its mind, the-Mind itself will still be in the same mental state it was before it became mindless; upon its mental resurrection. That’s because nothing, absolutely nothing, is experienced without awareness (so that, even with the brain’s cerebral memories that were automatically formed in the absence of its mind, they still cannot be remembered with the-Mind as experiences, but only to be viewed as though one would literally be watching television flicks: that is, only when such cerebral memories are automatically stimulated by the physical senses at any given span/moment, because they can’t be viewed and maneuvered at will since they were not experienced with the-Mind in sentience: More can be read about the differences between an automatic instinctive memory, vs. an intently mental experienced remembrance, at the following link of my “Memorizing Vs. Remembering” article). Before my brain became mindless, and if my mind would’ve had the opportunity to be actuated with the knowledge and language of The-Self (the-Ego/the “I”), then upon its mental resurrection, my being would’ve known how to be a-self. Instead, my very long extensive span of mindlessness state, prevented such in-formations to take form in mine mind: keeping then my mindless brain unleavened and unfermented from the permeation of the ego (because such “ego-awareness” can only be learned and acquired within a certain specific stage of awareness).
The Nurtured Ego
Without sentience, the ego cannot be learned and applicable, because such a knowledge and language is categorically personal and partisan to an individual, and can only be exclusively grasped as a preference; in full reflective awareness. And due to the global fact that The-self itself is immensely ambiguous and a paradox, such an”ego-awareness” must solely be taught from upbringing, while one is personally experiencing his/her adolescent stage of physical transformations (that is, without any pauses of awareness in between): Since there is no one universal application of The-Self to all in the same, you can’t take a grown adult that was never introduced and informed about such “ego-awareness,” and then thrust him/her into the great enormous ambiguity of The-Self, to then expect that adult to go for grabs, learn it and become it: It’s impossible, because the ego can only be grown into it, individually; so that one is than enabled to become his/her own abstract in contrast to the global ambiguity of ipseity. Hence, the ego is not just a language, it’s a “nurturing awareness.” And my mind was never nurtured in that kind of awareness before my state of mindlessness has occurred: As a matter of fact, it was never mentally nurtured in any way, form or manner: it’s not even associated to any kind of mental nurturing experiences, because that very crucial mental nurturing stage was entirely mindless as my ‘body’ transformed from childhood to adulthood. That is why my mind is chaste to the ego, and chaste to any other kind of “nurturing awareness.” Indubitably, because of what has happened to my immaterial mind, that’s enhoused within my material brain, the “Adamic” mind has been resurrected within mine mind; from and by the-Mind itself.
And who knows!? Who’s to say that Adam and Eve were familiar with “ego-awareness.” Just because the bible indicates them conversing with God in egocentric language, that doesn’t mean that they were actually familiar with such awareness and disposition. It’s just the same as when one reads about Egyptian mythology and its gods: it describes the whole afterlife process with the global modern belief of the metaphorical soul (that which departs from us at death, and lives on in the spirit realm forever). But such global belief in the immortality of the soul was not really ascertained, until the Grecian philosopher Plato introduced it as a suggestive assumption (possibly to have first been inspired by his teacher, Socrates): And that’s way after when the gods of Egypt were prominent and famous. The Egyptians at that time believed in the assumption that it was there gods instead that would provide for them a new spirit-body in heaven, awaiting for them after their deaths to be infused with their awareness, experiences and memories by their god Osiris itself, to then become deified with all their gods: They never believed that they had a soul within them that was immortal, and that it would have automatically depart from their bodies to go on living after their deaths: And yet, the Egyptian mythological afterlife process is still described in our modern awareness of the immortality of the soul, so that it can easily be understood for our modern readers. In like same manner with Adam and Eve, when one reads a part of the bible of them conversing with God in the language and fashion of The-Self; so that such read can easily be understood: but most importantly, to also be applicable.
Most people (religious and nonreligious) don’t really realize that if Adam had obeyed God in spite of Eve’s disobedience, his life would’ve probably been spared, and he would’ve been given another wife after Eve’s destruction. Let’s just say that if Adam remained obedient, and that he was living up until our lifespans, we all would’ve realized that unlike the many existing paintings and statues of Adam and Eve out there, Adam wouldn’t really have a navel like we all do, simply because he never began as an infant: So the whole experience of adolescent physical transformation would’ve been utterly devoid in his making (unbeknownst to his mental awareness, experience and being). And no matter how much people would’ve explained to him what’s it like to transform from a child to an adult, he would’ve only comprehend it as an outside observer, but he would’ve never ever understand it as in being it (just the same as a man that will never understand the experience of giving life through pregnancy; no matter how much it is explained to him). Even though my soul (my literal animating physical body; not referring to the metaphorical soul) began as an infant, and having a physical navel on its belly area, one would look at it and assume that my being is just like everyone else: Physically speaking, that is true; but to a certain extent. As explained above, because my mind was mindless for a very long extensive span (for almost 40 Gregorian years), and especially during the transformative physical stage of adolescence (and also, during the mental nurturing stage of my mind), such transitional mental awareness and experience is also unbeknownst to my being.
In mine mental awareness, unlike Adam being created straight from the dust, it is as though my soul was still born from a womb with hidden inborn knowledge and skills; that as preconditions, all of a sudden emanated from within and immediately filled and formed my mental blank-slate, state of mind: Like in a blink of a flash (that very same familiar flash when one goes to sleep and wakes up, but you can’t tell for how long you’ve slumbered until you look at your clock). That’s the same way that my being has experienced its very long extensive span of mindlessness (the exact equated mental experience that anyone experiences from a regular daily slumber): there are no differences. So it’s like my being went to sleep regularly, and during that one particular slumber, the precondition knowledge and skills that were hidden instinctively, started automatically emanating into my mind, so that upon awakening, my being woke up to a full-grown body with a set of information, intelligence, skills and abilities; nevertheless, yet still being unfamiliar and foreign to them. It was as though a full set of tools were given in a sudden, and my being had to try to find out how to use them. Therefore, my being has no awareness and experience in what is like to go through the simultaneous mental and physical changes of adolescence: IT doesn’t even know how a puberty stage is like; and the physical changes that one normally discovers and identifies (associates) personally and reflectively with: This is why my psyche being is mentally uniformed and immutable (unchanging), because my mental awareness did not experience the actual physical transformative stage that everyone else normally become aware of, and experiences it: Therefore, the butterfly transition state that most people can relate and associate with, is permanently concealed and obscured to my sentience and experience(s)—utterly devoid in my mind. Hence, my being then had no other determination but to logically come to a rational explanation: Based on the fact that adolescence is physically real, and that the psyche-ego transitional awareness and experiences exist for others, IT had to acknowledge and categorize all that information as part of the whole “ego-awareness” structure: yet still, very foreign to my form of person. My being then classified that whole “ego-awareness” philosophy as the exclusive language of The-Self.
Unlike Adam, in whom had the mental opportunity to be created with God’s version of subjective feelings, however, my mind did not have the opportune-span to be mentally actuated with the language of the figurative heart (emotions); and that’s probably because to acquire such an ambiguous knowledge in nowadays, one must be taught about it during upbringing (in other words, the knowledge of the heart is also a “nurturing awareness,” just as the same the mental actuation of the ego also is). And that probably goes the same for conscionable connotative concepts (e.g., virtues, morals, principles and ethics; as well as the mental actuation of a conscience): such knowledge is also a “nurturing awareness.”
In advanced, when Adam was mentally created in the knowledge of God’s version of the figurative heart; he probably was expected to nurture such awareness during his children’s physical and mental upbringings: and he probably was expected to nurture the awareness of God’s version of conscionable concepts as well. The problem in nowadays is that the biblical God’s version of the heart and conscience, as it were then with Adam, has now become so ambiguous that in order for anyone to acquire any understanding and application that’s connoted with such knowledge, can solely be acquired through a nurturing upbringing process that’s biased—before a child grows into an adult and is then thrust out there, in the ambiguity of the-World’s subjective ideologies; the abstracted and obscured philosophies; the abstruse ideas and theories; and of course, the complexities of ipseity and solipsism. If extraterrestrial aliens were real, in accordance to my instinctual observations and scrutiny of the-World’s immense ambiguities, my being can testify on their behalf that they would’ve immediately ran back out, and get as far as they can from our planet: They would’ve thought that the-World(s) is crazy because of its immense enigmas it inhabits—(ha ha ha ha). And you’re reading this from an actual extroverold alien, the closest that you will ever get to an actual alien.
So even though mine own eyes can see that my belly has a navel (a strong indication of my soul being born as an infant); and that my mind is aware that my physical soul still went through the normal changes that everyone else goes through (in the absence of my awareness), it is then evident, that the state of my mind is “Adamic.” Because of my brain’s random mindlessness mishap, a mental like-Adam state has been resurrected in my mind, and now through my being: Because like Adam, if he was still alive to my lifespan, we both would’ve continued on living, mentally relating with each other, on knowing to exist without the personal and internal mental awareness of adolescence.
Perhaps now, you (the reader) can understand how my being began, when IT first ended mindlessly, and then resurrected mindfully (in other words, my being had to have end first, before IT would have begun). So far, as it seems, since there are no two mishaps of human mindlessness alike, the state of my mental “Adamic” mind only exist within mine mind; from and by the-Mind itself. It is then logical to reason that thus far, my “Adamic” being is the first and the last of its kind (the alpha and the omega of my extroverold alien).
[Article Posted by: Sabiazoth Alonso]
[Writing & Concept by: Sabiazoth Alonso]
[Aspaty/Space: Heptaspace, Matrocycle 01, 10 R.M. L.E.C. (Solar South)]